Friday, October 15, 2010

Blue Nails

I'm sitting in a room with my laptop, my dogs......and my dying Mom.  We received a book from the hospice service that details the steps of death.  Two to three weeks out..... days to hours out.  Minutes.  What to expect.  Signs.  It's amazing how accurate it is.  Looking back on my Dad's death, he went through the same steps. All that's left now is for her to stop breathing.  That she's still breathing is a wonder to me. They told me her nails would turn blue.   Discolored nails.  Lord only knows how many times I've looked at her nails and thought to myself....... PLEASE be blue.  PLEASE.   I am so fucking tempted to get that bottle of morphine and give her a massive dose of it.  And not for me...... for her.  There's no way she would want to be lying here in the state she's in.  I don't know if you'd call it a coma.  She is non responsive, so I guess that's comatose.  The nurses tell me she will be able to hear until she dies.  So I whisper in her ear I love you..... you've been a wonderful Mom..... you can leave this eath with no regrets, you are a wonderful person.... it's time to go be with Dad and your parents..... you're one of the sweetest persons I've ever known..... I'm sorry for anything I've ever done to hurt you ( and Lord knows over the years I was an uncaring asshole at times).....thank you for always being there to help me when I needed it...... and, most's ok to let go Mom.  I'm so glad to be able to be with her 24/7 on her journey out..... to have been able to say all the things one would want to say to a loving parent when they're checking out.  But for fuck's sake.......where are those blue nails?    

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